oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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