So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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