Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
