My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
