That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
