I cannot find my penis.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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