I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize