Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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