my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
