I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i think my cat just said my name.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
