You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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