I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
