Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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