Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
