Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize