dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
