Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
