Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Fuck appropriateness.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
