If that was your dad, he is hot
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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