Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
