Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
