so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i love accidental penises.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
