i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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