eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You ruined the universe
Randomize
