i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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