Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
