it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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