I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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