well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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