I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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