I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
