Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
