Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
