remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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