I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
