I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just pee around me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize