Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My vagina just recognized that song.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
