Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
