were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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