between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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