I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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