I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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