Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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