She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
