if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
