Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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