Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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