TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
