Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
