My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
