there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it hurts more in the daytime
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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