Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I looked at my own cervix.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
